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SCRIPTING SAMPLE: plays, comedy

Harry M. Bagdasian

hbagdasian@aol.com

240-381-3196

PORCELAIN, PROFITS & PERCEPTIONS

a two act comedy about collectables

 

We pick up about ten pages in … JASON, a government man is disguised as KOVAK, a newspaper reporter supposedly doing a story on Matthews International, the world’s foremost purveyor of collectables.

 

We’re in the office of Morty Matthews, founder and CEO of the company

 

                                                      JASON/KOVAK

How exactly do you come up with your new collectibles?

 

                                                      MORTY

Well, take our new series.  Just last month, Bentley came to me.

 

                        BENTLEY steps into MORTY’s area

 

                                                      BENTLEY

We need a new mass market product for the holidays.  Something that will make Grandmother’s will ... something that will grace your home ...

 

                                                      MORTY

Not my home, I have a small apartment.

 

                                                      BENTLEY

Something your family will enjoy ...

 

                                                      MORTY

I have no family.

 

                                                      BENTLEY (patient)

At Christmas time, Christian families set out a crèche.

 

                                                      MORTY

Mary, Joseph, Baby Jesus and a bunch of farm animals.

 

                                                      BENTLEY

Ours is going to be different -- world class designers ...

 

                                                      MORTY

Christmas market's swamped.  How 'bout an Easter series?

 

                                                      BENTLEY  (with slight disdain:)

Bunnies?

 

                                                      MORTY

Ya know, at Christmas, you arrange that little scene on the mantle, right?  What can you put out at Easter?

 

                                                      BENTLEY

Reproductions of Faberge eggs, would be very nice.

 

                                                      MORTY

You want mass market here, or what?  Think!  Easter!  Not just thousands, but tens of thousands of subscribers!  What could people assemble on their mantles for Easter?

 

                                                      BENTLEY  (thinks a moment, then:)

Morty, no one's going to want to nail their own Christ to a cross.

 

                                                      MORTY  (being patient)

Something to arrange on the mantle at Easter -- think! 

 

                                                      BENTLEY

Display your own last supper?

 

                                                      MORTY

There you are!  There's what -- ten apostles?

 

                                                      BENTLEY

I believe there were twelve.

 

                                                      MORTY

Make it up from the Michelangelo painting and don't even have to pay a designer.

 

                                                      BENTLEY

It was Da Vinci.

 

                                                      MORTY

And make your table from "the giant cedars from the Holy Land!"

 

                                                      BENTLEY

There are no giant cedars left in the holy land.

 

                                                      MORTY

They don't know that!

 

                                                      BENTLEY

What about food?

 

                                                      MORTY

What about it?

 

                                                      BENTLEY

It was the last supper.

 

                                                      MORTY

It's for display, not for some kid to play house with!

 

                                                      BENTLEY

It was a Seder supper.  He was Jewish ... at the time.  (realizing:)  Then again, you know what was on the table -- the wine chalice!

 

                                                      MORTY

There you are!

 

                                                      BENTLEY

The Grail!  The Holy Grail! 

 

                                                      MORTY (on a roll)

Subscribe now and we'll throw in the Holy Grail!  In 10 carat gold plate!  We offer a piece a year -- "complete your set before the 2000th anniversary of the Last Supper!"

 

BENTLEY moves away from Morty and is joined by KOVAK/JASON to whom he explains …

 

                                                      BENTLEY

"The Last Supper" has been an enjoyable project.  The renderings and the specs went to Jason McKinley at the Federal Office of Antiquities, Traditions and American Heritage for the FOATAH seal of approval --which will come today or tomorrow.  Then I'll turn it over to Trish who will announce the product over the computer network.  Come Summer ... my wife gets a new Porsche.  Have you met Trish?

 

Light out on BENTLEY.  JASON/KOVAK crosses to her as lights come up on TRISH, who is typing and watching her computer screen as she talks.  TRISH is dressed in one of her better outfits that she acquired at Sears (she feels red is her best color.)  Her over-sized coffee mug is empty

 

                                                      JASON/KOVAK

I understand that Matthews International uses cutting edge computer technology to market its items?

 

                                                      TRISH

World wide.  Yeah, it used to take weeks to move a ceramic series or some of our specialty items.  Now?  It's fast!  Take Bentley's ceramic series, "Dogs of the Royal Families."  It was late in the day when those dogs came in with their FOATAH certification.  We opened in Japan and subscribed out.  Several hours later I opened the issue to Europe and did super.  When we opened in the States the next morning, we had so many orders that we had to plan extra firings of the little critters.  It's amazing what computers have done for our business.

 

Light out on TRISH.  JASON/KOVAK joins him as lights come up on MORTY

 

                                                      MORTY

I got good people ... people with imagination and the one thing that gives us a firm foundation --  ethics

 

                                                      JASON/KOVAK

Ethics?

 

                                                      MORTY

Absolutely.  Off the record?  (JASON/KOVAK nods)  Guy last year wanted me to get him Oswald's trigger finger.  Now, how you gonna document an item like that?  I told `em, "keep yer hundred grand."  Here we are ethical.  You know, there's one company headed up by a guy who would age a 2 X 4 and pass it off as part of Noah's ark.  Don’t quote me on this, but everyone knows that it no longer exists. 

 

                                                      JASON/KOVAK

Noah’s Ark?

 

                                                      MORTY

Gone.  Back in World War II a bunch of Russian soldiers were lost in the mountains.  They thought it was an old barn and used it for firewood.  Heathens.  (Pause, then:)  For a second there you believed me.  See?  That’s why we love FOATAH.  Keeps everything on the up and up.

 

DEB enters, thumbing through a large sized paperback book.  She has several copies under her arm.

 

                                                      DEB

Morty, we just got the new collector’s pricing catalogues.  My "fish of the tropics" collection -- handcrafted in porcelain and painted by hand in nature's colors -- are now worth twice the money I paid for them.

 

                                                      MORTY

See?  That's America!

 

                                                      DEB

Collectibles are so exciting!  But you know, I've heard there's lot's of people going bankrupt in our business.  They say some people might even go to jail.   Are you reporting about that?

 

                                                      JASON/KOVAK

If it happens.

 

                                                      DEB

That can't happen to our company ... can it, Morty? 

 

                                                      MORTY

Not possible, doll.

 

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