ShareSCRIPTING SAMPLE: plays, comedy
Harry M. Bagdasian
PORCELAIN, PROFITS & PERCEPTIONS
a two act comedy about collectables
We pick up about ten pages in … JASON, a government man is disguised as KOVAK, a newspaper reporter supposedly doing a story on Matthews International, the world’s foremost purveyor of collectables.
We’re in the office of Morty Matthews, founder and CEO of the company
JASON/KOVAK
How exactly do you come up with your new collectibles?
MORTY
Well, take our new series. Just last month, Bentley came to me.
BENTLEY steps into MORTY’s area
BENTLEY
We need a new mass market product for the holidays. Something that will make Grandmother’s will ... something that will grace your home ...
MORTY
Not my home, I have a small apartment.
BENTLEY
Something your family will enjoy ...
MORTY
I have no family.
BENTLEY (patient)
At Christmas time, Christian families set out a crèche.
MORTY
Mary, Joseph, Baby Jesus and a bunch of farm animals.
BENTLEY
Ours is going to be different -- world class designers ...
MORTY
Christmas market's swamped. How 'bout an Easter series?
BENTLEY (with slight disdain:)
Bunnies?
MORTY
Ya know, at Christmas, you arrange that little scene on the mantle, right? What can you put out at Easter?
BENTLEY
Reproductions of Faberge eggs, would be very nice.
MORTY
You want mass market here, or what? Think! Easter! Not just thousands, but tens of thousands of subscribers! What could people assemble on their mantles for Easter?
BENTLEY (thinks a moment, then:)
Morty, no one's going to want to nail their own Christ to a cross.
MORTY (being patient)
Something to arrange on the mantle at Easter -- think!
BENTLEY
Display your own last supper?
MORTY
There you are! There's what -- ten apostles?
BENTLEY
I believe there were twelve.
MORTY
Make it up from the Michelangelo painting and don't even have to pay a designer.
BENTLEY
It was Da Vinci.
MORTY
And make your table from "the giant cedars from the Holy Land!"
BENTLEY
There are no giant cedars left in the holy land.
MORTY
They don't know that!
BENTLEY
What about food?
MORTY
What about it?
BENTLEY
It was the last supper.
MORTY
It's for display, not for some kid to play house with!
BENTLEY
It was a Seder supper. He was Jewish ... at the time. (realizing:) Then again, you know what was on the table -- the wine chalice!
MORTY
There you are!
BENTLEY
The Grail! The Holy Grail!
MORTY (on a roll)
Subscribe now and we'll throw in the Holy Grail! In 10 carat gold plate! We offer a piece a year -- "complete your set before the 2000th anniversary of the Last Supper!"
BENTLEY moves away from Morty and is joined by KOVAK/JASON to whom he explains …
BENTLEY
"The Last Supper" has been an enjoyable project. The renderings and the specs went to Jason McKinley at the Federal Office of Antiquities, Traditions and American Heritage for the FOATAH seal of approval --which will come today or tomorrow. Then I'll turn it over to Trish who will announce the product over the computer network. Come Summer ... my wife gets a new Porsche. Have you met Trish?
Light out on BENTLEY. JASON/KOVAK crosses to her as lights come up on TRISH, who is typing and watching her computer screen as she talks. TRISH is dressed in one of her better outfits that she acquired at Sears (she feels red is her best color.) Her over-sized coffee mug is empty
JASON/KOVAK
I understand that Matthews International uses cutting edge computer technology to market its items?
TRISH
World wide. Yeah, it used to take weeks to move a ceramic series or some of our specialty items. Now? It's fast! Take Bentley's ceramic series, "Dogs of the Royal Families." It was late in the day when those dogs came in with their FOATAH certification. We opened in Japan and subscribed out. Several hours later I opened the issue to Europe and did super. When we opened in the States the next morning, we had so many orders that we had to plan extra firings of the little critters. It's amazing what computers have done for our business.
Light out on TRISH. JASON/KOVAK joins him as lights come up on MORTY
MORTY
I got good people ... people with imagination and the one thing that gives us a firm foundation -- ethics.
JASON/KOVAK
Ethics?
MORTY
Absolutely. Off the record? (JASON/KOVAK nods) Guy last year wanted me to get him Oswald's trigger finger. Now, how you gonna document an item like that? I told `em, "keep yer hundred grand." Here we are ethical. You know, there's one company headed up by a guy who would age a 2 X 4 and pass it off as part of Noah's ark. Don’t quote me on this, but everyone knows that it no longer exists.
JASON/KOVAK
Noah’s Ark?
MORTY
Gone. Back in World War II a bunch of Russian soldiers were lost in the mountains. They thought it was an old barn and used it for firewood. Heathens. (Pause, then:) For a second there you believed me. See? That’s why we love FOATAH. Keeps everything on the up and up.
DEB enters, thumbing through a large sized paperback book. She has several copies under her arm.
DEB
Morty, we just got the new collector’s pricing catalogues. My "fish of the tropics" collection -- handcrafted in porcelain and painted by hand in nature's colors -- are now worth twice the money I paid for them.
MORTY
See? That's America!
DEB
Collectibles are so exciting! But you know, I've heard there's lot's of people going bankrupt in our business. They say some people might even go to jail. Are you reporting about that?
JASON/KOVAK
If it happens.
DEB
That can't happen to our company ... can it, Morty?
MORTY
Not possible, doll.
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